Not As Easy As It Seems.....

I have 45 days until my wedding. This is not something that I ever would have anticipated writing about at the age of [almost] nineteen. And to be honest, I'm terrified. It's a strange, unearthly feeling to be doing all these things in preperation for the biggest day of any woman's life.

All my friends are packing for college; I'm packing to move into my new apartment with my new husband.

My friends are going over class schedules; I'm going over countless "to-do" lists and guest lists and catering lists and....

I'm the odd one out. I'm alone. I hate being alone.

I'm unlike any other high school graduate I know. No one else is planning a wedding; they're planning their educational futures. I'm planning on going to college....just not right away.

I know I'm disappointing so many people by not racing off to one of the many universities that I've dreamed of attending since I was old enough to know what college was! I know that so many people are looking at me and thinking, "Her parents are crazy for letting her do this! What are they thinking?!" And trust me, not all of them are keeping it to themselves.

My parents are getting some very tough feedback, and it's killing me to see my parents going through something like this on my account. Plus, when Jon and I fight, I know they worry that our marriage isn't gonna do very well. I mean, we're not gonna get divorced, but there is a chance we will make one another extremely miserable. Honestly, it worries me a little bit, too.

I'm being honest here.

For me, a wedding isn't the big thing that I need to be planning for; it's the marriage that comes afterwards. I'm seeing so many marriages falling apart around me due to arguements that can't be resolved, unfaithful spouses who aren't getting their needs met and are running to someone else to fill that gap.....it's not an easy world in which to stay married.

I love Jon with all my heart. He's the only one that I can see myself being with in this way. I love his laugh. His sense of humor. His eyes when he looks at me in "that way." The way he sings, even though he knows how bad he is and how he just doesn't care! The way he kisses the side of my head or my hand while he's driving.

But there are times when he drives me crazy, and I blow up at him. I disrespect him or treat him like an idiot. I crush his dreams. I break his heart.

Marriage is a forever commitment. It's a covenant. God sent His beloved Son to earth to shed His blood for me. It's not something that He ever goes back on. He doesn't look at me, covered in the filth of my sin and say, "Well, that's it for her. She just keeps disappointing Me, so I'm just not gonna love her anymore."

Not even close.

He forgives me every time I stumble and break His heart. He looks at me the same way He did when I first came to Him. I'll always be His Bride, His beloved. Nothing I can do will make Him stop loving me. Nothing.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor light, neither angels or deamons, neither the present nor the future, or any power, neither hight nor depth or anything else in all creation will seperate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus, our Lord."

I just pray that I can learn to love Jon the way that God loves me. If I can do that, there is not a chance in this world that our marriage will fail. God, empower me.....